Hell Hath No Fury Like An Oni Scorned
by ImpracticalDemon
Summary: [AU] A oneshot born of too little sleep and an accident of reading that seemed too funny to pass up. The demons return to Shinsengumi HQ to take Chizuru and destroy the Furies. Can Okita Souji and Saito Hajime stop them? Will Kazama wreak vengeance? And so forth. Warning: Humour.


**Author's Note: I'm sorry. I blame AzureArchxngel and dedicate this story to her.**

All recognition for this idea goes to Azure. If you want to read something a little more serious afterward, you can check out her story _Promise_.

 **I do not own Hakuouki or its characters** (and I never will at this rate).

 **This story does not relate in any way, shape or form to _Teachings of Demons_ , which actually purports to have a plot and other standards.**

Did I mention that I'm sorry? Oh... And this is AU. Don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *

 **Hell Hath no Fury Like an Oni Scorned**

The Shinsengumi were headquartered at the Nishi Honwanji Temple in Kyoto. On the whole, their take-over of the space had gone smoothly. The new living quarters were far more comfortable and most felt that it was a substantial change for the better.

Unfortunately, around the same time, they had drawn the attention of a strange, powerful trio of men who called themselves Oni and seemed intent on stealing Yukimura Chizuru away from the men who had come to care for her and the way that she faced each challenge with courage, a tray of tea, and a broom. The strange men had also said that they would put a stop to the Shinsengumi's plans to use the mystical Water of Life to create the terrible beings known as furies.

"You must stop creating these abominations," had said the most courteous and restrained of the men, Amagiri Kyūjyū.

As Amagiri could catch a slashing blade with his gloved hands and snap it in two, this was not an admonition to be taken lightly. On the other hand, Kondō-san, Hijikata-san and Okita Sōji, First Division Captain, had never been known to follow the orders of their enemies. They wondered how the strangers had heard about the furies, which were a closely guarded secret.

"I really hate those things," was the pithy comment of the second and most flamboyant of their adversaries, the gun-wielding Shiranui Kyo.

In a way, this created more of an impression on the leadership of the Shinsengumi. Hijikata-san had been against experimenting with the Water of Life from the start, and Saitō Hajime, Third Division Captain had to agree that the creatures were unreliable and almost as dangerous to their creators as themselves. Of course, Saito always agreed with Hijikata-san, or at least that's what Okita said in his snarkier moods – that is, fairly frequently. However, Nagakura Shinpachi and Harada Sanosuke, Captains of the Second and Tenth Divisions respectively, also disliked the experiments, which turned living beings into soulless, blood-seeking monsters.

"When I, Kazama Chikage, come to claim my bride, I will also destroy those pitiful attempts to copy the greatest of all living beings – "

"Kondō-san?"

"The Vice Commander?"

"The geisha who works in the banquet room at the Kosoan teahouse?"

"Baka!" shouted Hijikata-san. "Let the man finish for pity's sake. Otherwise he may never leave!"

"The Oni!" roared the blond, ruby-eyed scion of the noblest of the demon clans.

* * *

Sure enough, less than a week later, the leaders of the Shinsengumi had just retired to their rooms for the night when the front gates were violently smashed in and Kazama strode into the massive Temple courtyard, followed by a grinning Shiranui and a slightly apologetic Amagiri.

"I have come for my bride!" cried the noble leader of the Oni.

"Well I've come for a second round with Harada – and to kill some furies!" laughed Shiranui.

The hastily assembled Shinsengumi captains, led by Kondō-san and Hijikata-san, turned to the third man expectantly.

"I… am sorry about the front gate. It was a fine example of the architecture of the period. However, Kazama requires my services. And the furies must be destroyed."

There was a longish pause after this, not to mention a slight sense of let-down.

Finally, Hijikata-san stepped forward, glaring at the intruders, the arrogant ruby-eyed blond in particular.

"I will not let you take Yukimura! She does not want to go with you and we have sworn to protect her!"

"You cannot stop me! And once Yukimura Chizuru recognizes my – that is our – awesome superiority – she will think nothing of leaving your worthless protection!"

And so battle was joined.

Predictably, the beloved tea-bearer of the Shinsengumi rallied to their defence, short-sword in hand, and refused to leave with the handsome but overbearing Kazama.

Frustrated at this turn of events, and by Shiranui's untactful comment about being dumped, Kazama changed tactics and leaped lightly over the various captains and so forth.

"Well I can at least put an end to those hideous fakes, the furies!"

The green-eyed First Division Captain staggered into his path, coughing hideously but still unrepentantly smirking at the world through blood-stained lips.

"Then you will face me first!" Okita cried in defiance. "The secrets of the Shinsengumi and of Kondō-san will remain safe forever!" The he stumbled, and would have fallen but for the quick reflexes of the indigo-haired man beside him.

"No. You will face me." The Third Division Captain paused, as if recalling his next words. " **You shall not pass!** … Sorry… You shall not find the place. Where. We. Have. Hidden. The. … Furies."

Kazama waited patiently through this, and then laughed at the embarrassed captain.

"Ah, but now I know where to go and you cannot stop me!"

"Didn't he use that line already?" complained Tōdō Heisuke, Captain of the Eighth Division.

"Shh. Don't ruin it. Saitō's wooden acting was bad enough. Honestly, I have no idea how he could have ever managed as a spy." But Nagakura kept his voice low, since Saitō was known to have sharp ears.

Meanwhile, Kazama followed by his two faithful companions, had thrown open the door of the large storage shed that Okita and Saitō had tried to protect. Instantly, his ears were assailed by a deafening squeaking, and an avalanche of white fur, sharp fangs and blood-red eyes tumbled over the unfortunate Oni.

"What! What is _this_!" he screamed. "I HATE RATS!"

The other Oni had stopped, dumbfounded by the hideous vision before them.

There was a sigh from the Third Division Captain, who was propping up Okita; the First Division Captain was laughing so hard that he was in danger of falling over again.

"Why _me_?" Saitō muttered. He sighed again. "Those are the Ratsetsu. The Furries of the Shinsengumi."

Stunned and utterly defeated, the Oni left. Amagiri didn't even bow as he trudged back through the shattered gates. But in the deafening silence that followed the death of a dozen maddened rats, they clearly heard Hijikata's last word on the matter:

" _SŌJI_!"

* * *

 **A/Note:** Um, please read and review. I think.


End file.
